Survivor's Guilt by Dylan Sarandos

She’s dead. 

It doesn’t make sense. 

Or, I guess it does. 

It should.

Death was more forgiving than guilt, and death held a greater value than I. 

I would have given her the world, if she asked. But the world tore her down into fragments so small that wishing for something others deemed to be wrong, wishing for me, it felt inconceivable. 

But still, it just…it can’t make sense. How? How could I let this happen? 

We haven’t talked for years, I know…but… after going through the same messed up..

She could’ve talked to me. 

Why didn’t she just reach out? 

I would’ve answered in a heartbeat.

There are people who come into your life, even for the most insignificant amount of time,

Who leave an impact so large, that when they’re gone, it feels like a crater has opened up in your universe,

And you aren’t sure where to go without them,

And without a doubt, she was that person for me.

I still love her.

I can’t stop loving her.

Why couldn’t I just send her a reminder of that? 

Before she got ripped from my grasp, 

Why couldn’t I force her to listen?...

She died, perhaps so my mind could rest, so I could stop thinking about her,

But she’ll never know just how wrong she was.

I don’t know how I’m ever going to rest now. 

Who am I to deserve this? To breathe the oxygen that she isn’t? 

How do I look at the stars, when she’s lost to the dark? 

Why?

Why would she do this?

How did the people she walked with every day not notice she was unhappy?

I would’ve noticed. I still remember all her little tells. 

The way her smile would fade, just slightly. A hitch in her breath. A small crease in her eyebrows.

All these things I couldn’t notice, because she wouldn’t let me.

This was never supposed to happen. It should have been me.

I was supposed to go first. I don’t know how to do this without her.

Without knowing she’s out there somewhere, how do I go on?

She didn’t need to die. 

“An unfortunate tragedy,” “a life gone too soon,” “a displaced soul”…that’s what the headlines say.

But they should be littered with my name, not hers.

How could I be so foolish? 

How could she think nobody would care? I did. I do. I care.

But that’s the point isn’t it? 

Everybody cares, but only when you’re dead. 

Only when it’s too late, and the only thing left is regret.

All the things you didn’t do, all the ways you could’ve changed the outcome.

But, god, how I would’ve rather had her like that,

Thousands of miles away,

Than like this, 

Where I can’t have her at all.

Where she falls away from existence.

I don’t want that. I don’t want her to slip away from me.

Her voice, her face, her laugh.

But…

I don’t know how to stop it. I don’t think I can.

My skin feels like it’s on fire. My chest aches everytime I dare to move. 

She was my everything.

But to her I was…what? 

A mistake? An experience? Nothing more than a quick moment in her life?

How could she think I would be okay after this?

How do I wait for my turn when I can’t stand being here at all?

My body feels like it’s been torn from my soul. 

I don’t understand.

Why couldn’t she let me love her?

Why couldn’t she let me save her? 

This is her fault, isn’t it?

…no. I don’t believe that. It’s my fault.

I never should’ve let her go off on her own. It’s my fault that the only thing I have left of her is memories.

It’s my fault I’ll never get to see her again. 

And there’s nothing I can do to reverse this. 

Death is infinite, and it comes for everyone. 

It’s the one thing that’s guaranteed when you’re born. 

But it’s also the thing that can make the world feel like it’ll never be right again. 

I don’t think I’ll ever be right again. 

Death was my biggest fear. 

Now I wish it would swallow me whole.